A few weeks ago, I had lunch with my new friend Mary Claire at La Moscota, a cool cantina in the Centro where the food is free if you order a few beers. We ordered sopa de médula and tostadas de picadillo and had a good time. When it came time to pay the check, the waiter removed the 100-peso bill I’d placed inside and said: “Te invitó.”
Me: “Huh?”
“Te invitó.”
I looked at Mary Claire. She looked as bewildered as me.
“I’m sorry,” I told the waiter in Spanish. “I’m a foreigner, and I don’t know what that means.”
“The man behind you wants to pay for you ladies.”
Whaa? This had never happened to me in Mexico. I didn’t want to turn around and see whom the waiter was referring to — that would be rude — so instead I looked helplessly at Mary Claire, and then back at the waiter.
“I’m sorry,” I told him again, in Spanish. “But this is the first time this has happened to me. If we accept, do we have to do something?”
“Nah.”
“But we should thank the guy, right?”
“If you want.”
His nonchalant attitude struck me as strange. I asked Mary Claire if she was cool with some random guy paying, and she said yes. I didn’t mind either. I could use that 100 pesos for a cab ride home.
So we said okay, and the waiter disappeared, and then it was time to leave. I turned around and saw two tables directly behind ours — one with two older men and a woman, and the other with three late 30s-ish men. I guessed it was the latter table. But what was I supposed to say? I eyed each of the men and they eyed me back. One in particular stared longer than the others. My brain scrambled for words, but all I could think of was: “Era…. tú?”
God, was that even grammatically correct?
The man slowly shook his head.
I had no idea what was going on, so I mumbled “gracias” and we left.
“I have no idea what just happened,” I told MC as we were leaving. She didn’t either.
Anyone out there know the proper response? I told Crayton about it later, and he said I should have just turned around and said, “Gracias, muy amable” to no one in particular. But was the waiter correct? If a random guy offers to pay your tab here, will he not be offended if you don’t pull up a chair and sit down? In the U.S., if a man offers to pay for a woman’s drink, 98 percent of the time it’s rude to not chit-chat with him a little bit. (Unless the guy is a complete jerk, or you’re already drunk and have no idea what you’re doing.)
Thoughts?
I think protocol is different here. A similar incident happened to me two years ago when I was out with my sister-in-law. I asked her what to do and she said nothing, if we happened to walk right beside them upon exit we could nod, smile or mumble a quick ‘gracias’, and that’s it. As it turned out, he left first with nothing more than a few glances in our direction, so I never had to respond. I don’t think a response is expected here, in fact, in might send the wrong signal.
Leah: Thanks for sharing. So strange! If they’re not going to engage you in conversation, then why are they paying? Is it sending some kind of message? “You are cute, lady”? Or is it more of a machismo thing?
Wow! How awkward! I would have been totally confundida. What a compliment though 🙂 … And they don’t want anything in return? This is one of the oddest things I’ve ever heard of, and I consider myself pretty well informed on Latino culture.
Perhaps they just saw pay it forward and wanted to do a nice thing… That is awkward and nice at the same time though.
Uhmm… I really don’t think it is that weird… it has happened to me a few times. Also it is fairly common to receive free stuff, like a drink or a snack, from the mesero/Starbucks barista/teenage boy working at the candy section of Cinemex just because they think you are cute. Some of them, the brave ones, also add a cheesy pick up (in Spanish they are called “piropos”) like: “tú crees en los ángeles? Yo sí, porque estoy viendo uno”.. stuff like that. (Google them, there are tons, they are very very common in Latin America)
And it is perfectly acceptable to just “batearlos” = ignore them. You don’t have to talk to them or anything at all, just say thanks and leave. Of course, if you are interested you can always start a conversation or give him your number but since you seem to be already taken, maybe it is better to just leave with a friendly “gracias” 😉
Oh, and by the way, your blog rocks!! 🙂
I wouldn’t think you’d be obligated to talk to the guy in US or Mexico, though a smile wouldn’t hurt. 🙂
Jay: I don’t know. I really do think that if strangers I’d never even made eye contact with in the U.S. offered to buy me a drink, that means they’d want me to walk over and talk to them. Saying “thanks!” with a wave, and then leaving, seems rude. Maybe this my genteel Southern California upbringing? I am definitely going to ignore any other man in Mexico who offers to pay my tab. BB convinced me! Although part of me would feel honored to get a free Coke now and then at the movie theater…
In Ecuador, as I was leaving my favorite hangout, I noticed a party of young women celebrating a birthday. I told the barkeeper to add everything from their tab up to that moment onto mine. My present to them. Then I left, so they had the surprise of a much smaller than anticipated bill later.
I never met these people, and never expected to – just felt good to do some random anonymous goodness.
Ralph: Wow, that’s really nice of you. I thought stuff like that only happened in movies.
From the guy’s perspective, maybe he’d like to pay for a lady’s drink without her feeling obligated to talk to him.
If the perceived obligation weren’t there, you ladies would probably be getting a lot more free drinks…
Absolutely no strings attached. The guy wants to feel good about himself and wants you to feel good about yourself. Of course, if you actually took a next step he would be very happy to explore. But he’s probably done this other times and knows the chance of anything is tiny. Again, it’s just for flattery, both ways.
Now, as far as HOW you smile back, if you even choose to…that’s where the art is! Choose your message carefully. 😉
I have got to move to Mexico!! 😉
The opposite thing happened to me in Peru. I was sitting and chit chatting the cute bartender and drinking rum and cokes. Then without me asking for another drink, the bartender gave me a rum and coke. I thanked him profusely and thought he was hitting on me.
Wrong. As I walked out of the bar later on, he said, ‘You owe me for that drink!”
How friggin’ embarrasing. Wish someone would buy me a drink now and agian…hehe
Vero: I LOVE this story! Made me laugh out loud. I wish you could have had a witty comeback to the (in my opinion, rude) bartender. “Didn’t your mother ever teach you how to treat a lady?” Or “I’m sorry, I only pay for drinks I ask for.” Someone will buy you a drink someday, I know it. 🙂
Just stumbled across your blog from Lonely Girl Travels. Great stuff! Love this story. I wouldn’t have known what to do either. My only experience with that kind of thing has been in the US or Europe, where it’s customary to usually chat a bit with the dude. Looking forward to reading more of your blog.
Thanks Nancy! Welcome!
haha I love that you brought in your SoCal upbringing. And actually, I think that really may have something to do with it. As an East Coaster, visiting Los Angeles and San Francisco on various trips I’ve at times felt weirded out by how chatty people are. I mean, I like it, but I definitely think you guys like to engage people possibly more than the rest of the world.
I have noticed how much people seem to like to do things for the sake of being nice here. That they really seem to just get personal pleasure out of a good turn. Maybe it’s naive of me to believe that, but what other motivation do you really need besides personal pleasure anyway?
This happened to me at a concert. But totally different kind of. I was at a concert and had finished my margarita. There was this groupd of girls next to us that seemed very friendly with each other. So midway into the concert one of them came up to ask me if I wanted a drink. I am totally clueless and am thinking “Wow! This girl knows we are high up in the arena, is going downstairs to get a drink and asks me if i’d like her to get me one also since i’ve finished mine. Nice !” I say yes and think, oh that’s not what she meant. My guy friend who I was with said “Yes, she was hitting on you. She’s buying you a drink.” Still in disbelief when she got back I asked how much I owed her. She said “No, I bought you the drink.” (all this is in spanish)
ohh ok she was hitting on me. “uhhh Gracias.”
This had never happened to me so I felt awkward like you did. Later, I head the the bathroom. As we left the concert, I was saying my goodbyes to my friend and he tells me that she came up to him as I was in the bathroom and asked about me, asked if I was his girlfriend, etc. So my thing is what was I supposed to do. Are mexican lesbians treated the same as mexican guys, when they offer to buy you (a drink, your food)? lol
Sorry, but it doesn’t matter where in the world, ladies don’t accept this kind of attention from strange men. You’re just lucky you didn’t get yourself into trouble