A weird thing kept happening to me in New York.
Whenever I’d meet someone new, if we talked for more than five minutes, I took this to mean the person deserved a hug goodbye.
In 90 percent of the cases, I was wrong. My new friend would stick out a hand for a goodbye handshake, while I charged ahead with my arms open, like Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers. A fleeting “what are you doing?” look often crossed their eyes. I tried to ignore it, but after like the third time this happened, I started wondering — am I missing something here? Did I forget the proper way to say goodbye?
I talked to Crayton about this last night, and he says I’ve always been a hugger.
“You’re from California,” he said.
I don’t know. To me, I was misinterpreting these goodbyes, which meant that I’d lost a teensy bit of my American-ness. Before I moved to Mexico I could easily discern who got a hug and who didn’t. But now, as an expat who’s been gone for 1 1/2 years, it never even crossed my mind to shake someone’s hand goodbye. Handshakes were so sterile! A hug conveyed warmth, and was still impersonal.
It’s funny because before I noticed the hug thing, I was actually proud of myself for ignoring my urge to kiss folks on the cheek. Kissing is a common Mexican greeting. It’s way too intimate for the States. And I guess hugging is, too.
What about you? Are you a hugger? Do you ever feel like you have to adjust how you greet people when you travel?
I hug and kiss everyone. I’m Texican, what can I say? And I think it’s good for you! Affection of the non-romantic type is sorely lacking in America. That said, my friends and family are all very lovey and snuggly, and definitely some American-er folks think its strange. And all my friends aren’t exclusively of Mexican descent, they are from all over: Vietnam, Puerto Rico, Brasil, Cuba, Israel, Honduras.
Well I come from a typical Mexican family who hugs and greets and sometimes kisses the cheek. I stopped doing that a long time ago due to the fact that diseases spread so easily. Tee hee. I sometimes don’t shake hands as well. Why? Mainly because I started to notice that people do not want to be touched. They seem to shy away from the hello/goodbye hug. That’s okay with me. Unfortunately or fortunately, there are times when if I haven’t seen someone in a while, I automatically hug them. There are people who are sometimes “stiff” and I don’t like gettiing those vibes so I try to refrain from hugging and definitely not kissing on the cheek any longer. Ooooh, I’ve talked too much already. Take care. Good post.
Growing up we always hugged and kissed family members and close friends. New people would get a hand shake and after getting to know them, a hug and a kiss. You can always tell who doesn’t like to be hugged, kissed or even a hand shake! That’s ok too to each his/her own.
I’m from California too, and I’ve always been a hugger. It’s just the way my Mexican grandparents raised me. I can’t remember how my American friends reacted. But I will say this, I felt right at home when we moved to Mexico, because there’s the hand shake that pulls you into a hug PLUS a kiss on the cheek! 🙂
I love this post! Like you, I too find myself confused by greeting etiquette. Being from Panama, we do the cheek-to-cheek bit, es lo normal. But I’ve lived in Houston for 20 years now, and people can be WEIRD about body contact. I still hug my friends and regular acquaintances. Work friends whom I’ve known for a while or just have that warm & fuzzy feeling for, I go right in for the hug!
It does suck when you get the stiff or half-body hug, though.
Ugh. I hate the stiff hug. It’s like, why even give a hug at all? What does a stiff hug even mean? It’s like saying, “You’re nice, but not nice enough for a real hug.”
Even after 5 years in Mexico I haven’t thrown off enough British Reserve to get into the hugs and kisses thing – it’s always a handshake!
How funny! I’ll have to remember that in case we ever meet. “No kissing Gary.”
The Mexicans aren’t above a good man-hug, too. I’ve had serious business-related meetings that end in the handshake -> armwrestle-style-handshake -> chest bump-combined-with-backslap. And of course it’s perfectly acceptable to sign off e-mails or phone conversations with men or women with “un abrazo.” Which I wouldn’t translate directly as “a hug,” but rather as “a fond embrace.” Mexicans also really like to slap their hands together for a handshake so it makes a loud noise. I’m not sure what’s up with that.
I’m married into a Mexican family and the women all do the hug/cheek kiss greeting. I’m from Texas and I hug a lot with friends and family, but the cheek kiss always catches me off guard. I have found one thing odd is that upon meeting anyone for the first time, I get an extremely weak handshake, from both men and women…no grip at all. Is this a regional Mexican thing (his family is mostly from Guanajuato)? It’s not a business situation like Crayton’s, and the handshake is not at all like Crayton’s.
Stephen: I’ve experienced the weak handshake sometimes, too. I have no idea where it comes from. Anyone else want to weigh in? Crayton?
Hi, hola Lesley,
By unknown fortunate circumstances I ended up reading your Chronicles. I have also been a foreigner for the last 11 years (I am Mexican leaving in NY). Your last post reminded me of a recent experience that occurred to me. After spending a month in Mexico I had a meeting with a colleague at Jersey City. Back into NYC (PATH Journal Square–34th street) after the meeting, my first farewell reaction is to give her a kiss goodbye… awkward moment!!!
Hey Gerardo, welcome! Thanks for sharing your story — I’m sure she realized it was a cultural thing. (I hope!) 🙂
Oooh Stephen, I totally know what you’re talking about. Yeah, the first-introduction handshake between men does tend to be pretty limp and unenthusiastic. The boisterous slap-handshake I’m referring to is reserved for men who are already acquainted.
Unless I am related to you or you are a life long friend I don’t want a hug. (Les, you could totally hug me anytime, you qualify). I mean, I hug back, but I’m always like, “oh, we are hugging friends now, hmmm.” I’m okay with the “side hug” but not a full embrace. It is too personal for me. And there you have it, I’m neurotic…
How about a smile and a waving hand?
No hugs for me thanks. It’s not just a cultural thing I think, the personality counts too.
I either hug or wave, unless it’s a business meeting; I hate social handshakes. I, however, am a Southerner turned Californian so all bets are off.
The kiss greeting in Mexico is one of my favorite things about the culture. It’s so simple and lovely and civilized.
Namaste from India!
A handshake here is taboo with a woman though guys readily extend their hand to an unsuspecting foreign woman. Sometimes it is their way to show how hip and international they are but it is not part of the Indian culture. Asi es.
We lived in The Netherlands for 3 years. When we got back to the U.S., I had almost exactly the experience you described. That momentary look of confusion and fear in your “victim’s” face as you’re leaning in for a hug…ouch!
Both my father’s family (from Arizona & California) and my mother’s family (New York & New Jersey) are very, very huggy-kissy. Even the men greet one another with kisses on the cheek and a big hug. My husband, by contrast, came from an Illinois farm family that rarely displayed outright affection in any physical manner.
After we moved to Europe, Bruce remarked one day that all the men that he’d met so far in Europe seemed to think they were related to his wife. “What?” I asked, confused. “They’re always hugging and kissing, like my in-laws,” he said. LOL
First off – really dig your blog! Been following for a while and keep meaning to post, but never get around to it, lo siento… I’m transferring to D.F. in January and my American colleagues there always mention our D.F. counterparts are all very affectionate in the office and the man hug is totally normal, just as Crayton described. I was just in Panama on business and all females did the cheek kiss right out of the gate in meetings as well, which I personally think helps break the ice and de-formalize things a bit. I personally have always found the affectionate hug to be a warming gesture when I’m in LATAM, but it depends on the person. Also, its usually entertaining watching Americans go in for the hug (or cheek peck) greeting, because even though we go along with it, its obvious we are still a little stand-off-ish and bit awkward, but that’s culture.
Keep up the good work and pencil me in for a Taco Tour in January… Time to start practicing my hugging:)
Un Abrazo,
Matt
Hi Matt: Thanks for commenting — I’m glad you like the blog! Will keep January open for a Taco Tour… and of course now that you’re moving here, I’ll have to ply you with restaurant recommendations. 🙂
@Crayton – Not sure what’s up with the limpy handshake in Mexico, but I recently gathered some trivia for an event addessing multicultural differences and found out that in parts of Africa, the proper handshake is a short and limp one. Of course, I had a blast in the office making that into a dirty joke, but that’s a different post.
I’m such a hugger and my hubby who is very American is not. But now he has learned to hug all mi familia! Your post made me laugh 😉
I just got back from a visit to Dallas and was my first time back to the states in a year. It was extremely uncomfortable for me to not go in for the kiss. I was always a hugger, due to being slightly hippyish but mainly with friends and family not new acquaintances. But like you said now after being here a simple hand shake just doesn’t seem right any more. Its nice to be reading blogs again, gees I miss you guys when Im to busy to read. lol 🙂
LOVED this.
And I’m totally a hugger.
Thanks Julie. 🙂
I’ve lived in the middle east for most of the past three years. Here, there’s no contact with women but lots of contact between men. A soggy handshake is followed by a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Men also are seen holding hands and walking together.
I’ve spent quite a bit of time in and around Mexico. I can’t say I remember ever being hugged but that might be due to my rather unapproachable appearance. (Deep down I’m a softie.)
Hi Bill: Does soggy handshake mean sweaty, or just kind of limp? So with women you just… avert your eyes?
Just thought I’d weigh in here. First off, great blog, I need to read it more often!
When I married into my Mexican family 9 years ago, I had come from a typical Midwestern family with German roots. One only shook hands with men formally, no hugs, and the only social kisses came from moms and aunts. Even though I’d hug close friends, it was a pretty selective event.;
After meeting my wife to be, I realized quickly that I’d better get things figured out quickly as I was sometimes guilty of coming off as another cold gringo. It was certainly awkward at first..not that I had any issues with body contact with either sex, but figuring out logistics….I’d sometimes shake a hand, but come in for a hug on the wrong side….and you quickly know when you’ve messed up. For women, I’d sometimes have quick coaching sessions about which person one should hug, and who one ordinarily wouldn’t. And the other bit was the minutiae about actually kissing the cheek or air-kissing. Whew! Anyway, finally have it mostly figured out, and can’t wait to be back in a few weeks to test my skills!
Dave: The air-kisses! You’re totally right — I still haven’t figured out why people air-kiss instead of actually kissing on the cheek. I always kiss on the cheek. It just seems kind of silly to go in for it, and not follow through. Maybe it’s a hygiene thing for some people?